School Refusal - When it is more than just not wanting to go
- Melinda
- 11 hours ago
- 2 min read
At this time of year, at Muse Psychology, we often see an increase in school refusal. For some children, home simply feels easier — toys, screens and comfort are hard to compete with, but for many families, what’s happening runs much deeper. The distress is real, intense, and overwhelming — and can be far harder to manage than people realise.
School refusal is when a child becomes extremely upset at the idea of going to school and regularly misses part or all of the day. This distress doesn’t quickly fade. It can show up as tears, panic, stomach aches, tantrums, refusal to get dressed, trouble sleeping, or even threats of self-harm.
From the outside, it can look like defiance. From the inside, it is usually anxiety.
Why does school refusal happen
School refusal is rarely about “just not wanting to go.” It’s often linked to:
Anxiety (separation, social or generalised anxiety)
Depression
Learning difficulties
Autism or ADHD
Bullying or peer conflict
Academic pressure
Stressful life changes
When children avoid school, their anxiety reduces in the short term — which reinforces the avoidance. But without support, the fear often grows.The longer it continues, the harder it can feel to reverse.
The Impact on the Whole Family
School refusal doesn’t just affect one child. It affects the entire family system.
Parents often feel exhausted, anxious, guilty and judged. Many are told they are overreacting.
They are not, and you are not.
When your child is in visible distress, that is not overreaction — that is a family under strain.
Siblings may become anxious themselves or feel overlooked. Relationships with extended family and friends can become stretched. Mornings become battlegrounds. Even strong partnerships can feel the pressure.
This is why early intervention matters — not only for the child, but for everyone.
What Helps
The first step is understanding what is driving the distress. Gently exploring questions like, “What feels hardest about school?” can provide important clues.
Working collaboratively with the school is key. This might include wellbeing support, learning adjustments, bullying intervention, or a gradual return-to-school plan.
At home, calm and confident language helps:“I know this feels hard. We’ll work through this together.”
Using "when" and not "if", an example - "When you're at school tomorrow" communicates belief and expectation.
Most importantly, children need to feel understood — not pushed or shamed.
Professional support can help identify underlying anxiety, depression, learning difficulties or neurodevelopmental differences. Early support reduces the risk of patterns becoming entrenched, once again early intervention is key.
If This Is Your Family
If mornings feel impossible, remember your child’s difficulty is real.Your fears are real.Your need for support is real.
School refusal is not a parenting failure.
It is a signal that something deeper needs attention and with the right support, children can rebuild confidence, families can restore balance, and school can become manageable again.
You do not have to navigate this alone
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